Fear

Now that you have identified your goals and have given them deadlines, you are ready to move forward.

Here’s what you shouldn’t do……….

DO NOT get back in your head
DO NOT say you can not do this now
DO NOT stop the momentum you have started

You are doing it. This is the process. Every step will not show results but the culmination of steps will help you realize your goals. Believe it or not, some people fear success almost as much as they fear failure. The difference is those that have the courage to try.

This week we will explore fear. Stanlee Cox, M.A., has a wonderful way to look at fear. She says, “Fear and Excitement feel exactly the same in our body ... it's just what we decide about it that makes it one or the other.” If you stop and think about it for a moment, she’s right. Think about how you feel on a roller coaster. The excitement of being thrown and flipped around but you’re kinda scared too. Your heart is racing with anticipation, your eyes get big before the first gyration while you catch your breath in anticipation of the next one and all the while praying that you don’t fall out. Fun huh? Same is true when you face that spider or mouse that scares you. Your heart beats hard and fast and you feel anxious! See a pattern. Perhaps the anxiety you sometimes feel is fear….no, excitement! Well let’s explore.

There are a couple of techniques for overcoming fear such as systematic desensitization which is based on classical conditioning and treats fears through deep muscle relaxation and then gradually confronting a progressively increased series of anxiety producing situations. Flooding is another techniques where you’re dropped into the proverbial deep end of the pool. Similar to learn by fire except with things you fear. You know, fear factor without the million dollars. But that’s just psycho mumbo jumbo. How we tend to react to fear is by shutting down or sleeping a lot, procrastination, or just plain avoidance. WE don’t want to do that so gradually we are going to face our goals and keep moving.

MONDAY - Look at your easiest goal form last week’s list. If the date is a one week goal then it’s already perfect – use that one. If not, find one with the shortest end time and use that one for this week’s conversation. What will it take to get this done? Use colored pens or markers and do a little mind mapping. (see sample to the right) Have fun with it and jot down everything you need to complete this goal/task. Do not sensor! Just write it down. That’s it for Monday. If you’d like to get a jump on Tuesday, start doing one or two of the things on your mind mapping.

TUESDAY – Today, in addition to finishing at least two items on your mind map be sure to assign a day to your mind mapping so that each task is spread out through the week. Easy day huh? Sometimes you just gotta float some of those in.

WEDNESDAY – Remember your tasks for today. In addition, look at your goal list and do the same mind mapping for the entire list. Again, make it fun; colored pens, pictures, and stickers, whatever you wish to make it yours. Keep this in mind; break each time frame into 5 blocks. For example, goals that are one year, give every two months an equal amount of tasks toward that goal. This will give you a little wiggle room. Always remember your treat list. Float in some treats along the way. Some goals will overlap but be sure to be specific and roll over those things that don’t quite get done. This will happen but let it be the exception, not the rule.

THURSDAY – How are you doing on this week’s tasks? Moving along? Hitting some snags? Right now, wherever you are, think about this week’s goal. Read this, then do it………..close your eyes and picture yourself achieving your goal. How do you feel? Hear yourself say out loud, I achieved/finished/am/did fill in the blank. Now that you are relaxed and have seen yourself get closer to finishing your goal for the week, it’s time to create your reminders. You’ve broken your goals down into pieces and what you must do each day/week/month/year. Go and put them all in your calendar. Sit down with a cup of tea and put your goals into whatever system you use either electronic or paper. If electronic, you can have things bleep and ding to remind you of each day’s activities. Treat – Treat – Treat! Calendaring is tedious so do something fun when you’ve finished.

BIG SMILE !

FRIDAY – Well, you’ve had a very successful week! You’ve completed one goal and organized and assigned the rest of the goals we discovered last week. CONGRATULATIONS! Full speed ahead. Can you see the movement, the progress? Remember that sometimes it is slow and other times, with bigger goals, it will feel like fireworks! So…..for all your hard work, today is TREAT DAY! Be good to you today. You’ve done excellent work. Enjoy the rest of your day and have a great weekend.

Quote of the Week - “Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important than fear.” Ambrose Redmoon

Reference: Stanlee Cox M.A. http://www.lifeempoweringtherapy.com/

Conversations With Myself

When starting any new task, goal, or project, it is best to start at the beginning. First you must identify where you are. This first week will be a week of exploration.

We all have basic human needs. Abraham Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs shows us that the need we seek most is that of self-actualization; not food and shelter, not money, but the full realization of one's potential in other words....your best self.

Granted, when our money is right and our job or career feel right and our personal life is right we feel like our best self, but how often are all of those things cookin' at the same time? I'm sorry I didn't hear that....did you say NEVER? Yep, that's what I thought. That is because those are all external contributors and usually dependant on other people and the only way to truly find self actualization is from within. Your truth! Your values, your morals, your goals, needs, wants, and passions, but what are they? You may know and if you do then you are one step ahead but most people get caught up in the business of the day.....you know the family, the job, the bills, etcetera and after a period of time, lose site of the things that gave them joy. I always say, think of the things you liked to do when you were five years old. Were you creative, active, ordering other kids around? Chances are, that is your truest self. Explore that. But not yet.

First we have to be honest in what is going on now, so this week while you are contemplating the things you liked to do as a kid, be honest with yourself about the way your world looks today. Honesty comes from our souls and we must first be honest with ourselves before we can be honest in the world. We see dishonest people everyday. You know who they are.....they are the ones that get caught up in labels like Managing Director or Owner and walk around with a sense of entitlement because of that title or social status, as well as other labels like designer this, that, and the other thing but always telling you what the designer is and how much it cost or how immaterial it is to them but it's nice to have. The same is true for the fancy car, the big house, those people that need to either be the center of attention, antagonize, ridicule, or poke fun at everything. These people are hiding behind these things because they have not found their own truth. Don't misunderstand, the material rewards like the designer whatever, financial freedom, the fancy car, and the big house are all great but they are just things and achieving them should be it's own reward - no billboard needed. Conversely, have you noticed those people around you that always seem to have this calmness, this sense of certainty that they do not boast or brag, they are probably the best listeners in the office or in your group, and you rarely if ever see them riled up or stressed. These people have found their truth. It may be in their faith, their creativity, or something that is not obvious to those outside of their immediate circle but there it is. This is the goal! So... WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON?

MONDAY - Get a journal or a dedicated notepad for this and other projects. Have fun with it. Use color or themed notepads and books. This is for YOU! Find a quiet place and take about 15 to 20 minutes to just be honest with yourself even if it sounds hurtful or selfish. List how you really feel about the things in your life. Not what you think people want to hear but what your mind drones on and on about when you are trying to sleep, i.e., my boss is an idiot, I love my book club and wish I could do that all the time, I hate getting up at 2am to feed my baby, I wish I didn't have any children, I wish my spouse was more attentive to my needs, I'm lonely, I want to go back to school to get my degree, I'm sick of never having any money. Whatever you really feel. WARNING....there may be tears, heart palpitations, stomach knots, and pangs of guilt. This is normal. Remember....you are the only one that needs to see this so this is how YOU REALLY FEEL! Just dish for now. Tomorrow we will take a closer look.

Now this may seem like a pretty doom and gloom list of things but don't look at it that way. Look at it as the things that we are taught we are not allowed to feel but we do. As human beings, anger, frustration, pain, and fear are natural feelings but we are taught to push them to the side and to some degree we must in order to function in the world on a daily basis; but if we suppress them, they become roadblocks that show up in depression, anxiety, overeating, and short tempers. This is not healthy and not productive and certainly not your true self!To offset all the heavy stuff that's really going on, start a Treat List - write down the things you like to do - see a movie, play video games, your favorite restaurant, get a manicure and pedicure, your favorite flavor of ice cream, etc. Nothing is too big or too small.

TUESDAY - Pull out your list of honest feelings and get a colored pen. Now let's put a positive spin on these things that are keeping us up nights. Rephrase everything you wrote. For example.. My boss is an idiot but I really enjoy working with Sue the other manager in the office. I love my book club and wish I could do that all the time (this one you can leave alone or perhaps you'd like to start a book club on your own or introduce your book club in other areas of your life like your family or your church.) I hate getting up at 2am to feed my baby but I love my child and maybe I can get my spouse to get up with me sometimes, I wish I didn't have any children but they are so smart and I am so proud of them, I wish my spouse was more attentive to my needs but look at all the wonderful things they do..and list at least five things they do well and for you - not the family - for YOU! Do you see where I'm going with this? It is ok to acknowledge those things that are wrong but it is also important to acknowledge what is right too. Now, again, be honest. If you can not find something positive in what you have written highlight it because these are the things that are HOT! You are rapidly approaching the breaking point when it comes to these things so these are the things we will want to address first. That's it for Tuesday - treat yourself to your favorite dessert or a movie or something. You have done good work these last two days. Congratulations. I'm proud of you.

WEDNESDAY - Today we will look at the HOT items. If you don't have any hot items see "no hot items" below for your conversation for the day:

Hot Items: Look at those things that are highlighted and again you MUST be honest. Is it something that you can change? If it is something you can change write CHANGE next to it in red. Don't worry about how long it will take or how much money you need to change it just is it changeable. Also, don't get caught up in the "ifs", If nothing....can you change it or not; for instance, you can change a job but you can not change a person. You can give information but you can not control how it is received or used. Get it? After you have identified the things you can change, create another list. Draw a line down the center of a fresh page. On one side write CHANGEABLE and on the other side write I FORGIVE AND RELEASE. List your changeable items on your changeable side and the things you can not change on the forgive and release side. Now tear off the I Forgive and Release side of your page. You can address this side in one of two ways or you can do both if you wish.

• Option one - write a letter addressing each item on this list. Say what you want to say the way you want to say it. Use profanity, descriptions, whatever helps you to address this issue, forgive it's existence and release it by mailing each letter and tossing your list.


• Option two - find a safe place and burn the list. Feel free to make it into a ceremony if you wish by saying a few words out loud. Invite some trusted friends if you wish but destroy the list. An added positive twist is to plant a seed for each thing you are releasing in the hopes of growing something positive from it's release.
  

No Hot Items: Look at your list and pull out the top five things that you would like to change tomorrow if you could. These are your HOT items. Refer to HOT Items above and continue with todays conversation.

REMEMBER - You have released these items to a higher power. They no longer haunt you and you have made peace with the fact that they are bigger than you and you can not change them. As of today, these things are no longer an issue! The one thing that is always changeable is your acceptance and interaction with the things that appear in your life. You can participate or not. That is always your right.

Now - Take a deep breath in and release it! I know...that was hard but you did it. Congratulations. Tonight you should sleep better than you have in a while. Relax for the rest of the night. Tomorrow is another day.

THURSDAY - Today is marginally easy. Today we will put a time-frame on your changeable list. This is basically goal setting. Again, don't worry about how much money it will take and what else has to be in place, just put a date - ideally a month and a year - when you will change it. Some things have the end or change date built in like 2am feedings and special projects while other things are harder. Use this scale: one week, one month, by the end of this year, two years, three years and stop there. You may need to go bigger but I want to lock you into at least a three year time-frame to start. That's it for Thursday. Have as much fun with this as you like. Visualize yourself making these changes and how your life will feel when these changes are complete. Really feel it. Feels good huh?

FRIDAY - Congratulations, you have successfully identified your needs; the things that will, at least in the relatively near future, give you a sense of self-actualization. You now have a list of things that you plan to take action on as well as the date of completion. You have effectively set clear goals and so today is TREAT DAY! As a reward for all your hard work this week, you need to refer to your treat list and choose something to do for YOU today. Alternatively, if this week's conversations were too much for you and you did not complete them you must do a penalty, clean your house, do laundry, something you have been putting off because you just don't want to do it - DO IT NOW! But don't push and don't beat yourself up about this. Revisit this conversation next week and try again. Never Give Up!

QUOTE OF THE WEEK - A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. Confucius